My struggle with Anxiety

Outfit details: Dress by Zara

It’s been a minute or two since I’ve posted an update. You know that feeling when you start a new project and then you totally drop the ball, but still carry that guilt about how you’re “behind.” Well, that’s the blogging world to a T- I’m still learning and unraveling exactly what I want this space to be filled with. The truth is, I have so many interests, ideas, and thoughts that I tend to think them all at once. Overwhelming? Absolutely. But that’s how I’ve  operated for the past 22 years and it’s still working.   

Over the last two weeks, I have been slowly moving to my new apartment. And when I say slowly moving, I mean slow. It has taken us (my mom and I) forever to get my tiny little apartment to feel like a home, and now we’re finally to a point where it doesn’t echo every time you talk. We have a couple pieces of furniture and then went out and bought all the little things you forget you need to function in a home. Every other time I’ve moved, I would pack my car to the tip- of things I already had from home, but my two suitcases just didn’t cut it this time around! 

Although having an actual address in LA is super exciting, it’s made the realization of “I’ve moved my life 2,000 miles away” all the more real and anxiety provoking. In one week, my mom will be on her way back to Indiana and I’ll have the holidays to see my family plenty, but the struggle of making LA feel like “home” is something that will take time, commitment, and, lets be real- one or two or ten breakdowns. I feel absolutely blessed and thrilled to live here- this is where I’ve wanted to be for so long. Surrounded by creatives, in a warm and beautiful place, where I can explore meeting new people and pursuing new passions- but I would be failing if I didn’t write honestly about my recent increased struggle with anxiety through the past year, specifically. 

It’s really easy to look at someone’s life from the outside standpoint and compare the rawness of your struggles to that. But let this be a reminder that everyone- every human being, struggles with something. Whether they talk about it, or not. It’s so common that we forget that truth. 

My life is full of mostly happy moments, but over the last year, when anxiety hits, it’s an struggle just to get through the simple tasks of that day: work, class.. even a night’s sleep. 

Luckily I have spent an enormous amount of time in my collegiate years learning about.. well, me. Think about it, so many of us go through life dealing with “stuff” but how often do we take time to pause. Stopping to reflect on your life, and put the pieces together on how you work: what makes you anxious, what makes you happy, what makes you sad, etc- doesn’t only help in the process of dealing with “stuff” when it arises, it helps you know what is it you’re really wanting out of this life. Because through the personal conversations I’ve had in my short life, I realized quickly that purpose is truly what we’re all looking for. A life purpose. A deeper meaning to our existence of who we are and what we want to accomplish. What we search for in our careers. What we search for in our friends. What we search for in a significant other. All of this, has so much to do with our purpose in life: whether it’s to be financially successful, an incredible mother, or a trustworthy and caring friend. 

Some days more than others, the idea of “finding my purpose” completely freaks me out. Those questions like: “Am I doing what I need to be doing to pursue what I think I want” or “Is that even what I really want?!” or my personal favorite “Will I always be single?” (HA, just being honest, friends)- anyway- those questions can be pretty paralyzing and I’m learning that when I start to think those thoughts. The thoughts that are suffocating and stealing joy out of my present moment- that’s when it’s time to revert back and do something that I really enjoy. Like reading a book (I’m currently reading “Power Your Happy” by Lisa Sugar founder of Popsugar), or writing, praying, exercising- these are all things that bring me joy and take me out of my anxious space. It’s also been on my heart to rediscover my love for choreography here in LA. When I was growing up, I’d lock myself in our TV room and choreograph my little heart out to all my favorite songs. I’m looking forward to digging deep into the things that feed my creative side, a side that I’ve been ignoring all too much until I took the leap over to California. 

As we enter Thanksgiving and Christmas- I hope you set away the time to do  things that bring you joy, to reflect on your life, and to live in the present with those you love the most. It’s a process, but if we’re in it together, it somehow gets a little easier. 

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